Week 6 - Mid-Week Update
I’ve been making friends in my therapy program, and it’s been awesome, but it also has been making me a little anxious. The reason is because I am a convicted chronic overfunctioner. Overfunctioning in relationships (all of them, not just romantic ones) is when one person does more emotional (and sometimes physical) labor than the other. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you feel like you take care of the other person’s needs a disproportionate amount compared to them taking care of your needs, then you’re probably overfunctioning in that relationship. Unfortunately, most people who overfunction in one relationship tend to overfunction in ALL their relationships; similarly, the ones who underfunction – the ones whose needs are taken care of by the other person and rarely goes out of their way to the meet the needs of their partner – usually are chronic underfunctioners and do so in all of their relationships as well. Not only that, chronic overfunctioners generally will find themselves in relationships with underfunctioners, and vice versa. Why don’t overfunctioners find overfunctioners, and underfunctioners find underfunctioners? Because then the needs wouldn’t be met.
Although it might seem like it is better to be an overfunctioner than an underfunctioner, one is not better than the other – both are unhealthy. Both parties’ needs are being met in the overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationship, but the needs that are being met are different. You might think that the underfunctioner is taking advantage of the overfunctioner, and that the underfunctioning person should work harder, but why should they? The overfunctioner generally doesn’t really provide the underfunctioner the opportunity to meet their own needs, much less the needs of the overfunctioning party. For the overfunctioner, on the other hand, the need that is being met is the feeling of safety, specifically by feeling useful. Overfunctioning is often a manifestation of a core belief that the person is not good enough/worthy/valuable in themselves, and as such needs to feel useful in order to feel safe and ensure that the other person isn’t going to abandon them. The idea is, “if they need me, then they won’t leave me.” It’s a defense mechanism, a way to make sure that that the other person in the relationship will stay. Furthermore, if a person is busy taking care of another and feels useful in doing that, then they are distracted from and don’t have to confront the feelings of shame and worthlessness or inadequacy that lurk beneath the surface of their conscious mind. Essentially, I don’t have to deal with my feelings of inadequacy because look! I’m being so adequate and valuable by taking care of this other human being.
I should know. Since I was a small child, I’ve always felt like the most important thing about me is what I contribute to the world. But my psychologist told me once that if I were to never do a kind thing again for the rest of my life, I still would not be any less valuable or worthy. It’s hard to believe that to be true, and I’m working on changing that core belief about myself that no one will stay if I don’t take care of them, but in the meantime, I’ve noticed that overfunctioning tends to lead to resentment. Even though I think I’m happy to do whatever it is that the other person in the relationship, as time builds up and I see that my caretaking isn’t being reciprocated – because underfunctioning is comfortable and easy – I start to get frustrated that I’m the one texting first, I’m the one who’s always asking how the other person’s day was, I’m the one who gives in and goes wherever the other person wants to go. I’m deeply afraid that if I don’t overfunction, the other person will not want to be around me, and feeling useful makes me feel valuable, but at the same time, I want my needs met too! I want someone to ask about my day, be a shoulder for me to cry on, remember and get me my usual order at my favorite restaurant. And when resentment starts to build, then the relationship is in danger, and conflict is on the horizon. Some people might confront the other person or yell at them, usually finding that the other person is completely oblivious that they weren’t happy, but for me, my MO is to test people secretly. Then, when they inevitably fail the test that they didn’t even know they were taking, I feel hurt and rejected and angry and used, and I shut down and stop engaging the other person. Either way, the relationship takes a hit, and sometimes completely disappears – at which point, I feel even more disappointed that I’ve been doing all this work and the other person didn’t even care enough to try to get me back.
The thing is, though, from my experience, relationships bought through overfunctioning and taking care of the other person are usually not particularly strong relationships, and of course are also not satisfying for the overfunctioning party. For the overfunctioner, it’s a double whammy – first that their needs aren’t being met and they’re working so hard to take care of the other person; then that when they eventually get resentful and stop doing so, they find out that the relationship wasn’t really a two-way relationship at all. Genuine, proper, healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutuality – both giving and receiving their fair share, collaborating and supporting one another. It’s not always going to be 50-50 – in fact, it likely won’t be most of the time. But it ebbs and flows, sometimes 60-40 in one direction, then 30-70 in the other.
But my problem is, how do I get there? I chronically find myself in a situation of feeling like my needs are not being met, while I’m working hard to meet the needs of the other person. I don’t even know how I end up in these situations, but at some point suddenly I look up, and I’m overfunctioning and the other person is underfunctioning. And I’ve found that it’s hard to correct that relationship once it’s taken its course – it’s hard to steer it back to a place of mutuality once both parties are used to one overfunctioning and the other underfunctioning. That’s why I’m so anxious about these new relationships that are happening through the program – I’m worried that I’ll end up back in a place of overfunctioning and resentment and feeling unsatisfied. I’m trying to be mindful of my behavior in these new relationships. I’m trying to observe what’s going on so that I can check in with myself and determine whether this is really how I want to be in the relationship long term. Because I know that the foundation I build now is critical to the dynamic of the relationship in the long term, I’m trying to make sure that my needs are also being voiced, and that any time I respond to a request from the other party, I’m doing so because I genuinely want to, and not because I’m trying to make them like me or stay with me. One thing that I’ve been using as a litmus test is thinking about whether I’m trying to get something in return for the thing that I’m doing for the other person. Am I asking them how their day was so that they can ask me how mine went? Or am I asking because I actually want to know? Am I bussing their tray for them because I want to, or is it so that I can feel useful? Am I doing something without wanting anything in return, or am I hoping to get something out of it, even if it’s not right now. If it’s something that I’m going to keep score on – like I’m adding a mental tally to the “List of Things I’ve Done for Them”, then it’s probably something I shouldn’t do. And, if I’m doing it to make me feel good about myself, then I’m probably not doing it for the right reasons. I’m hoping that by checking in with myself and staying mindful, I’ll be able to build relationships going forward that are characterized by reciprocity, rather than over- and underfunctioning.