Week 5 - End of Week Update
This week I was introduced to the concept of pseudoemotions, which are words we often think of as emotions, but are actually cognitive evaluations of others’ actions. Feelings are internal emotions, things that we feel inside ourselves. Pseudoemotions, on the other hand, are words that are often mistaken for emotions but are actually thoughts in the form of judgments of others. For example, when someone says no to us, we might say that we feel “rejected”, but this sense of rejection is actually based on our mind’s understanding of the other person’s behavior. Common pseudoemotions include “abandoned,” “rejected,” “used,” “abused,” “bullied,” “manipulated,” “attacked,” and “neglected.” For me, I do connect these words with specific sensations within my body, but the important thing about these words is that when we use them in conversations, especially in conflict, these words can make the person we are speaking with feel blamed, which tends to regress the conversation, rather than progress it towards resolution.
Perhaps you have heard of using “I” messages for having conversations, particularly difficult ones. I’ve been trying to use this strategy here and there, but with limited success – it has often resulted in an escalation of the conflict, rather than de-escalation. Now I know why. Most of the time, the words I used after “I feel…” were pseudoemotions, and it’s clear now that when I used those, it did not accomplish the goal of using an “I” statement – to share how you are feeling without putting blame on the other person. Instead, it likely only incensed the other person more, and made them more defensive, rather than opening them up to have greater empathic connection and communication.
The idea of pseudoemotions comes from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who pioneered the principle of nonviolent communication. The Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website lists one of the foundational principles of nonviolent communication is to establish connection first when conflict arises, and only after empathic connection has been established, should you pursue finding a solution to the presenting problem. The basis of nonviolent communication is compassionate communication, in which there is no violence, anger, or blame present within the heart, with a goal of allowing everyone’s needs to be met through the innate sense of compassion present within all of us. It makes sense then that my attempts at I using “nonviolent communication” via “I” messages failed, given that when I made those attempts, my heart was most definitely not in a place of compassion or kindness.
As I’ve learned about pseudoemotions, I have tried to think about what emotions I’m actually feeling within me that are focused on me, rather than on the other person’s behavior or actions. For example, what am I really feeling whenever I think I’m feeling abandoned? Or when I feel misunderstood, or rejected, or attacked? This exercise has been very helpful because it has been helping me to consider my internal emotions when I perceive someone to be abandoning me, or rejecting me, or attacking me, etc. When I think someone is abandoning me, what I’m actually feeling inside is a sense of worthlessness, inadequacy, despair, shame, disappointment, heartbreak, hopelessness, fear, and vulnerability. When I think I’m being criticized, I’m actually feeling insecure, small, shameful, afraid, vulnerable, alone, worthless, and inadequate; when I “feel” rejected, I feel worthless, inadequate, alone, disappointed, despair, hopelessness, vulnerability, and smallness. When I feel betrayed, I feel angry, disappointment, confused, worthless, shame, powerless, suspicion, and surprise. Going through this exercise has helped me identify the emotions that I can lean into and express to my conversation partner, rather than using words that would likely make them feel like I’m blaming them.
As I’ve gone through this exercise, I’ve noticed that a few emotions tend to come up frequently for me, even at times when you wouldn’t expect it. When I feel cheated, when I feel attacked, when I feel let down, when I feel dismissed – times when you might expect a lot of anger, I tend to feel a lot of shame. In addition to shame and worthlessness, humiliation, loneliness and alienation, disappointment, powerlessness/helplessness, smallness, despair, vulnerability, fear, and inadequacy are all emotions that come up for me frequently. Not only that, but these emotions tend to get masked by the secondary emotion that comes up in response, which are usually anger, rage, and frustration.
I think it’s been important for me to notice this because it reveals to me that those common emotions are probably ones that I carry regularly. For example, I’ve realized that shame is a very deep core feeling that I bring to more or less every situation I am in, and as soon as something doesn’t go the way I expect it to or hope for, it rises to the surface and tells me that the reason things didn’t go the way I wanted them to is because I am not good enough. When someone attacks or insults me, it’s because I’m bad and I deserve it; when I’m misunderstood, it’s because I’m too different and ugly for the normal person to understand; when I’m being ignored, it’s because I’m not good enough for someone to notice. And as you might expect, I don’t like that feeling of shame, and I tend to react to it by responding to the situation or person with anger. I don’t want to feel the smallness of shame, so I try to get big and feel the power of anger. And that has been as damaging to my relationships as you would expect. Learning about pseudoemotions has helped me to recognize the emotions that I am really feeling, and it has been helpful in my journey to improve my interpersonal relationships. I have always struggled with making and maintaining intimate relationships, often because once someone gets close, I don’t know how to interact with them in a way that is healthy. The concept of pseudoemotions is a revelation that I think will allow me to communicate in a way that is more effective. I think everyone can benefit from considering if they often use pseudoemotions in their conversations, and if so, reflect on what they’re feeling internally that they can communicate to their conversation partner instead that will help both people to connect empathically. After all, empathic communication is both the healthiest and most effective form of communicating with one another.