Shame and Perfectionism

This weekend I read a little more from Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, and this time the sections I read were on shame and perfectionism – two topics on which I have a lifetime of experience. Brown’s words were thought-provoking and I want to share with you both some excerpts from the book as well as my reflections on them.

Let’s start with a definition of shame: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. One of my deepest, most core beliefs is that I am unworthy of love, and that nothing I will ever do will make me worthy of love. Shame is a feeling I know well. But the thing is, even if not everyone struggles with shame to the extent that I do, we all experience shame – it is one of humanity’s core shared experiences; it is part of what makes us human. The only people who don’t experience shame are people “who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.” (Atlas of the Heart, pg. 136) And one of the important things that I have been discovering about shame, and which Brown so eloquently put into words, is that “the less we talk about [shame], the more control it has over us.” (pg. 136) None of us wants to talk about shame. It’s one of shame’s unique strengths – that it is the feeling that we get when we feel that something about us makes us unlovable, and because we humans are wired for connection, what we want most is to hide our shame, to hide the things that we think make us unlovable, because if we exposed it, we would lose whatever connection we have. This, in turn, makes us more ashamed. “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.” (pg. 137) It is a vicious cycle – we feel ashamed, we hide it so that we are not judged and alienated for it, but in turn that makes us more ashamed. And on and on and on and on.

Brown says that “the antidote to shame is empathy.” (pg. 138) But I think it’s more than that. In order for there to be empathy, first there must be vulnerability. If shame thrives off of secrecy, silence, and judgment, then the opposite of those things is honesty, vulnerability, and empathy. We first have to be willing to open ourselves to the risk of judgment by being honest and vulnerable about our shame in order to receive the empathy that can cure the shame itself. In the same way that the first step to treating an illness is for the doctor to diagnose what the illness is, we cannot receive empathy and connection from others if we keep hiding our shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection, and the antidote to disconnection is of course, connection. Once we find that we are still worthy of love, even in the presence of whatever we find most shameful, the power that shame holds over us begins to recede.

And recede it does. For my entire life, I have always believed that deep down I am a monster, and that if anyone were ever to get to know me, truly get to know me, they would be horrified and turn away. In the past few years, as I’ve spent time with my psychologist and opened up to him, I’ve felt varying levels of safety – not due to anything he has done, but because of my own insecurities. I first felt safe, then as he got to know me more, I became afraid that he would eventually find something that would be disgusting and repulsive to him, and that he would eventually abandon me when that happened. Due to a particular sequence of events that I won’t get into now, I feel that he has now seen every part of me – every dark and dank corner of my soul. And he has not run away. He has not fled. In fact, he has stayed and reaffirmed his care for me, and in doing so, has lit some fires in the parts of my soul I most wanted to keep in the dark. And now I feel safer than I have ever felt, because he has seen it all and still cares about me. But it was only after I allowed myself to be vulnerable, it was only after I completely uncovered every little bit of my secrets, the parts of me that I most hated, that I could begin to feel the shame recede and be replaced by a sense of connection. He was compassionate and empathetic and responded in the exact way that I needed, but first I had to be open with him about what I was most ashamed of.

For there to be safety and connection, there must be honesty and vulnerability. Although it is what we instinctively hate most, because we feel the most exposed, the most in danger, the most at risk when we allow ourselves to vulnerable with other people about our shame, everything inside us tends to avoid being vulnerable at all costs. But vulnerability is how connection is built. Think about it – who do you know that likes being in the same room as someone who they view as perfect? At most you might admire them, but admiration is not connection, and more likely, you will feel a sense of inferiority that we humans are also averse to feeling. It is hard to connect with someone that doesn’t have any flaws. It is in our vulnerability, in our shared experiences of pain and discomfort and struggle, that we feel the most connected to our fellow human beings.

And “shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.” (pg. 142) Perfectionism is not our striving to be the best version of ourselves or striving towards excellence – those things are internally motivated. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is actually externally motivated. Perfectionism is the result of the question “What will people think?” (pg. 142). Perfectionism is motivated by the thought that if you look perfect, act perfect, and do everything perfectly, then you will be loved and accepted – which we now know, actually couldn’t be farther from the truth. “Perfectionism, is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.” It is the belief that your worth is based on what you accomplish, and how well you do it, and that you will be able to minimize feelings of shame, judgment, and blame by being perfect. And perfectionism is a black hole of a cycle that can be hard to break without self-awareness, because when we inevitably fail, or we do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we instinctively think it’s because we weren’t perfect enough, which only further entrenches the belief that we need to strive for perfection.

When I reflect on my own experiences with perfectionism, Brown’s explanation rings true. My experiences in childhood, both at home and at school, gave me the distinct and deep impression that my worth was based on my accomplishments. If I was successful, my parents were happy and the abuse abated for a little bit; teachers at school treated me differently based on my academic performance. I became a perfectionist, and I was always afraid that my inevitable failures made me less than and unworthy of love, and in turn I strove even harder for that unattainable perfection. All of my perfectionistic tendencies, as well as my people-pleasing and care-taking habits, were borne out of the hope that being a certain way and acting a certain way would earn me the love and connection I so desperately desired.

So what do we do about shame? Brown shares four factors of shame resilience, or how to cope with shame: 1) Recognize it. We have to first be aware of when we are experiencing shame, and be mindful of what has triggered it. We cannot ignore it, because you can’t overcome a problem when you’re pretending that it doesn’t exist. 2) Practice reality-checking it. “Reality check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame. Are they realistic? Attainable?” (pg. 139) In DBT, we call this skill checking the facts – does what your mind is telling you hold up against reality? 3 & 4) Reach out and speak it. As I mentioned before, you cannot receive compassion and empathy in relation to your shame if you are not speaking up and being vulnerable about it. You have to reach out to your friends, your loved ones, your support network, and tell them what you are feeling and ask for what you need. I have been practicing sharing my shame and talking about the things that I feel most shameful about, and in doing so, I have received warmth and love and connection from other people who relate to me. We all experience shame, and we all fear being unlovable and disconnection When we are vulnerable about it, then we can receive what we most need – love and connection.